Mormons, You Know This Isn't How the Afterlife Works.

Mormons, you have to know, at least deep down, that your beliefs are insane. Not all of your beliefs. Some of your beliefs are actually quite nice, but then you have other beliefs that are so nonsensical that it's mind-boggling that you actually pretend to believe them.

There is no universe, multiverse, dimension, reality, plane of existence, or any other type of place where it's even remotely possible that when you die and are seeking admission to heaven, or whatever celestial realms may exist in the hereafter, that in order to be admitted you have to know the right passwords and secret handshakes in order to gain entrance.

You're confusing theology with the Calvin & Hobbes No Girls Allowed Club, or maybe a Monty Python sketch. What exactly do you think is going to happen?

You're going to die and be brought to the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and St. Peter is going to be standing guard at the entrance to heaven.

"Name, please," St. Peter will ask.

"Bill Gordon," you'll reply.

"Hmm...I don't see you in my book. What's your date of birth?"

"March 3rd, 1986."

"My, my...most unusual. You're not in my records. No Bill Gordon. No William or Billy, either," says St. Peter. "Is it possible you were adopted?"

"No, no chance at all. I was hoping, but the DNA test said there was no doubt."

"This is most unusual. Were you lost at sea, or maybe vaporized by a volcano? When a body isn't recovered, that can play havoc with our system, you know."

"No", you'll say. "Nothing that exciting. I ate some bad fish".

"Well," St. Peter will say. "I don't know that we can let you in. I better check the manual...let's see...Troubleshooting....OK, Unidentified Applicant Seeking Exaltation, there we go...OK, OK...I see..."

"You're in luck," St. Peter says, "We do have a procedure for this circumstance. Pass the procedure and you may enter into your eternal rest and glory. Fail it, and you will be handed over to Satan, to be buffeted and tormented for all eternity."

"Uh, OK...um, is there a manager I can talk to?", you ask. "I'm not really comfortable with this. Your records seem rather shoddy and there's a lot riding on this."

"NO!" thunders St. Peter, "What do you think we are? Lutherans? There is no manager, there is no appeal, there is just the test...and it begins now....What is the password?"

"Uh...the password?"

"Yes, no more delays! What is the password, and..."

"...and," you ask, feeling a little nauseous.

"What is the password and what is the secret handshake? You have thirty seconds. Your time begins...now!"

Seriously, Latter-Day Saints, this is ridiculous. There is zero chance that this, or anything remotely resembling this, is what happens when you die. You think God can create the universe, and create you, but a simple Excel Spreadsheet is beyond his capabilities?

Or do you think that when you're brought to the gate that you can lie and God won't know you're lying, that he has to have a backup system of passwords and handshakes to determine if you belong in heaven.

Now, all the passwords and secret handshakes are on Youtube, and there are non-Mormons that can watch the videos and learn them. I guess they get a free pass into heaven.

And what about Ex-Mormons? They already know all the passwords and what to say and what to do. What's to stop all those apostate Mormons from waltzing in Heaven and taking over the place?

Get real. We're not ten years old. We all know this isn't how it works.

Non-Consensual Immorality

I'll tell you what non-consensual immorality really is.

Non-consensual immorality is blessing an infant into the Church. Forcing the child to go to Primary and Church meetings, participate in Family Home Evenings and scripture study. Taking the child up to the pulpit once a month when they're 3 or 4 years old and teaching them to repeat to the congregation that they know that Russel M. Nelson is a prophet and the Book of Mormon is true.

Non-consensual immorality is questioning a teenager about their masturbation habits and making them feel guilty for a normal human behavior. Forcing the youth to go on trek and get baptized for dead people. Teaching girls how to cook and clean at YW meetings while the boys are off shooting rifles and riding ATVs.

Non-consensual immorality is forcing a young man to go on a mission and ostracizing him, guilting him, or refusing to pay for college if he doesn't.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching young couples to have as many children as they can, regardless of their ability to parent or provide for those children. Regardless of whether they have finished college or obtained work skills, regardless of whether they even want children in the first place.

Non-consensual immorality is brainwashing a person to pay 10% of their income so the Church can build luxury malls and buy expensive chandeliers for temples. For telling them that unless they fork over the dough, they are separated from God and are unclean. That unless they pay, they can't be with their loved ones forever. Telling them to pay their tithing instead of buying food for their children.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching women that they are equal, valued and honored, then placing them in a system where they aren't equal, valued or honored. A system where men assign their positions, tell them what to do, set their budgets, and occasionally let them say a prayer or speak at conference.

Non-consensual immorality is going to other lands and amidst other cultures and telling them they got it all wrong and they need to change their beliefs, habits and ways. That they need to subjugate themselves to the white Americans who will teach them to get closer to the divine through obedience and monetary offerings.

Non-consensual immorality forcing a spouse that has shaken off the shackles of brain washing to keep attending and to pretend they believe, for fear of losing their wife or husband, children, community, and/or job.

Non-consensual immorality is telling a LGBT person that there is something wrong with them. For encouraging them to marry a partner of the opposite sex. For encouraging them to procreate in an unstable situation. For blaming them when an untenable situation disintegrates.

Non-consensual immorality is lying, gaslighting, denying, obfuscating, hiding, excusing and minimizing unsavory aspects of Church history and doctrine.

Non-consensual immorality is teaching spouses, children, parents, friends and neighbors that if a person disbelieves the Church, then that person is evil, addicted to porn, or wants to sin.

Non-consensual immorality is ignoring, neglecting, shaming, and blaming victims of abuse. Excusing and protecting their abusers. Setting up a system that grooms potential victims by teaching them unwavering obedience and respect to Church leaders and then placing them in circumstances that allow them to be victimized.

Non-consensual immorality is settling with such victims who have evidence or are too vocal about the abuse they have taken, but requiring iron-clad Non-Disclosure Agreements so victims can't talk about what happened to them, throwing the dark deeds done into the shadows, preventing victims from warning others and denying the unsuspecting faithful masses the information needed in order to protect themselves and their children.

Non-consensual immorality is tearing apart families, alienating the affections of loved ones, and ostracizing people who don't bow down to their Mormon overlords, all so 15 con men in Salt Lake City can build Luxury Malls, live in fancy homes, drive or be chauffered in nice cars, get their children and grand-children free education, receive excellent health care, own nice vacation homes, and bask in the adulation of adoring throngs who worship them and wait endlessly for them to drop them some crumbs from the table.

This is what non-consensual immorality really is.

A very Brief History of Things Not in the Church

LDS Apostle David Bednar was kind enough to share the big news that there are no Gay people in the Church.

It made me wonder what else isn't in the Church.  Minutes of exhaustive research  resulted in this very preliminary list.  One could probably write a book about what's not in the Church, but I have bills to pay and trails to wander, so that Author will not be me.

Nevertheless, here is my short list of Things Not in the Mormon Church (feel free to add to the list by using the comment section):

Pre-Columbian Era: No horses, elephants, cows, goats, swine, barley, wheat, honey bees, chariots, wheeled vehicles, metal swords, etc, etc, etc, in Book of Mormon era Americas.

1830-Present: No Non-Caucasians in the Quorum of 12 Apostles.

1833-1844: No prohibitions against marrying children or other men’s wives. 

1835: No Book of Abraham in the Egyptian Papyri.

1840: No common knowledge of the First Vision among the Saints.

1844: No Freedom of the Press in Nauvoo.

1844: No leadership succession plan.

1857: No safe passage for all immigrant wagon trains through Utah.

Since 1929: No oath of Vengeance against the United States in Temple ceremony.

Since 1959: No financial transparency.

1969: No Quakers on the moon.

Until 1978: No Blacks in the Temple.

Since 1990: No blood penalties in the Temple ceremony.

Prior to 2013: No Gay Boy Scouts.

Prior to 2013: No prayers from women in General Conference.

Prior to 2015: No common knowledge amongst the Saints of Joseph Smith’s use of seer stones to translate the Book of Mormon.

2015: No apologies.  “The church doesn't seek apologies, and we don't give them."  --- Dallin H. Oaks

Since 2015: No saving ordinances for children with Gay parents.

2016: No Church discipline for armed seditionists Cliven Bundy, Ammon Bundy and others.

Currently: No women making significant decisions regarding finances, leadership or policy in the world’s oldest and largest women’s organization (Relief Society).

Currently: No depictions of mixed-race families in Church magazines (except for conference issues containing photos of the crowds from Temple Square).

Currently: No church wide policy for Bishops and other leaders to immediately report suspected child abuse to proper authorities.

2016: No Homosexuals in the Church

If the Brethren don't change their bigoted ways, in not too many years, I'll be able to add the following entry to this list:

No Church.

My Post-Mormon New Year's Resolutions

My original post on this blog, You Can Leave the Church, but the Church Can't Leave You Alone, caused some offense among some Mormon readers.  My goal in writing it wasn't to cause irritation, but rather to give Mormons some insight as to how we Post Mormons, Ex-Mormons, Former Mormons and Doubting Mormons feel.

Basically, I want my Mormon family, friends and neighbors to respect my boundaries.  It seems like such a one way street in favor of Mormons.  They can post Mormon quotes and information all day long on Facebook, but when we post something related to our current beliefs, even if it's relatively innocent, it's common for them to jump all over us and make horrible accusations.  Our family can call us Sons of Perdition and tell us that we're deceived by Satan, and we're somehow supposed to not be offended.

A friend of mine, who means well, but is clueless, gave me a nice Christmas gift a few days ago; a copy of the new Teachings of the Presidents of the Church manual, featuring the teachings of Ezra Taft Benson.  When he gave it to me, he told me he had prayed about it and he feels impressed to tell me that I should read, study and apply Lesson No. 18; Beware of Pride.

I inwardly rolled my eyes when he gave it to me, but I accepted it politely.  No doubt he thinks he's doing a good thing that could help me; however, if I went over to his house and gave him signed copy of What to do When Satan has Deceived You and You've Become a Mormon and suggested he read Chapter No. 3; Start Using the Brain Nature (or God) Gave You, I think the poop would hit the fan and he would be greatly offended.

How is that any different from what he did?  Or what our Mormon friends do to us on a regular basis?  Ironically, he accuses me of being prideful, yet he's the one knocking on my door to tell me what I should think.  Apparently he has it all figured out.

I would like boundaries to be respected, and I'm willing to respect Mormon boundaries in return.  To that end, I have created a list of New Years resolutions, that I promise to follow if Mormons will start respecting boundaries.

1- I promise not to invite my children's friends over to watch The Godmakers on my big screen TV, nor will I serve refreshments when doing so.

2- I promise not to hire Grant Palmer to provide the entertainment at my daughter's next birthday party, even though it would be awesome.

3- At next year's Trunk or Treat event, I promise not to attend dressed up as Joseph Smith, with my wife costumed as Emma, and my young daughter dressed as "not quite 15 year-old" Fanny Alger, nor will I have my son put on a wig and a dress just so I can add a very masculine Helen Mar Kimball to my entourage.

4- I promise not to make and distribute Post-Mormon Pass Along cards.

5- I promise not to place Mormon Think decals on the sides of my son's Pinewood Derby car.

6- If invited to a Church dinner, I promise I will not assume it's BYOB.

7- If you come to my house for dinner, I promise I won't spike the gravy with Dr. Pepper.

8- I promise I won't visit the Church parking lot during Sacrament Meeting and place Gay Pride bumper stickers on all the cars.

9- I promise not to dine and dash on the missionaries when I take them out to dinner.

10- I promise not to put Ex-Lax in to the chocolate chip cookies I donate to the Young Women's bake sale.

11- When being introduced to a Mormon couple for the first time, I promise not to ask the husband what number wife she is.

12- I promise I will not respond to questions from Mormons by quoting anything from the temple ceremony.

13- I promise not to offer sarcastic condolences when a Mormon woman gives birth to a girl.

14- When I bump into Mormons buying beer at the convenience store, I promise that I'll pretend not to notice, instead of trying to high-five them while saying loudly, "Dude, where's the party?"

15- I promise not to bow and address the Bishop as "Your Eminence" when I bump into him at the grocery store.

16- I promise  not to attach a copy of Letter to a CES Director to the ward bulletin board when nobody is looking.

17- I promise I won't worship any graven images of Donny Osmond.

18- I promise I won't send proxy resignation letters to Church headquarters on behalf of my Mormon acquaintances.

19- I promise that I won't bribe a Priest to spike the sacrament water with Viagra.

20- I promise not to marry any of my Mormon friend's daughters, unless I am single and they are over eighteen years of age.

21- I promise that I won't hide a whoopee cushion under the Relief Society President's chair.

22- I promise that I won't put beer, porn mags or a live, wild squirrel into the missionaries' apartment.  The missionaries in my area keep their door unlocked and I have actually considered doing this, but I'm too nice, or too wimpy, to actually do it.  Maybe if Mike Norton ever comes to visit...

23- I promise not to surreptitiously dump bubble bath soap into the baptism font prior to a baptismal service.

If you have any similar resolutions, please share them.

You Might Be a Post-Mormon if...

With thanks to Jeff Foxworthy, whom I have blatantly ripped off for the concept of this post, I present the top reasons that indicate you might be a Post-Mormon.

1- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You graduated college before you bought your first bikini.

2- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a zoologist and you don't live in South America, yet you know what a tapir is.

3- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have a closet full of suits and ties and you only wear them at funerals.

4- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're having much better sex now, than you were a year ago.

5- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You know what the word "polyandry" means.

6- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have a greater than average understanding of Egyptology, but you're not a college professor.

7- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You have more than one Facebook account.

8- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You can't discuss religion with your family or childhood friends.

9- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
At Starbucks, you have to ask the teenage barista to recommend  something, because the only thing you know how to order is hot chocolate.

10- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You feel like you're naked, and everybody is staring at you, when you wear a sleeveless shirt in public.


11- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You no longer feel guilty when you masturbate.

12- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You go to a nice restaurant, and you have no idea whether red wine or white wine will complement the meal you order.

13- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You get stressed out when your children turn eight.

14- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You go to Walmart to buy underwear, and you're confused about how to do it.

15- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You recently started a blog and you write frequent, outraged posts.

16- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You think the word "church" is a proper noun.

17- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Sleeping in on Sunday somehow seems more satisfying than sleeping in on Saturday.

18- You might be a Post-Mormon if...

Your weekends seem so much funner and more relaxing than they ever did before.

19- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You sometimes feel anxious or angry when people unexpectedly show up at your door with cookies.

20- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a Historian, but you're fascinated with history.

21- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You enjoy cooking, but have no idea how to use alcohol as a cooking ingredient.

22- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You're not a carpenter or an architect, but you know what a compass and a square are.

23- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Shoulders turn you on just as much as boobs do.

24- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
Your family thinks you're an alcoholic because you enjoy an occasional drink after dinner.

25 (from David Murdock)- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You aren't invited to the wedding of your child, but are expected to pay for the reception and pose for pictures in front of the temple after the wedding.

26 (from D. Darby)- You might be a Post-Mormon if...
You bump into your neighbors at the store and they tell you they miss you.

27 (from David E. Simmons)- You might be a Post-Mormon if... 
You suddenly have three times the discretionary income, four times the discretionary time and only one fourth your normal discretion.

Let me know if you think of any other things that indicate you might be a Post-Mormon.

I am Thankful For...

This is my first Thanksgiving since I left the Church and there are many things I’m thankful for:

1- I am thankful that I no longer have to take grooming advice from high councilmen with bad combovers.

2- I am thankful I no longer have to listen to High Priests expound on the locations of ancient Nephite airfields, or describe how dinosaurs are a liberal plot hatched up by atheists and scientists to destroy people’s faith.

3-I am thankful that I no longer have to attend weekly unofficial Republican Party meetings. 

4- I am thankful that I no longer have to wear a baker’s cap for non-baking purposes.

5- I’m thankful that I can ask any questions I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to worry about how I ask.

6- I am thankful that I no longer have to choose between watching the BYU game or going to stake conference.  Seriously, if you’re so inspired, why are you scheduling stake conference for the same time as the big game?  It’s like you wanted me to lose my testimony.

7- I am thankful that I no longer spend 3 whole hours (feels like an eternity) every Sunday at Church.  Even North Korea’s weekly indoctrination and propaganda meetings are only two hours long.

8- I am thankful that my wife no longer belongs to the Relief Society, the oldest and largest women’s group in the world.  I’m not really sure why it’s called a women’s group.  Men appoint all Relief Society leaders.  Men allocate budgets to the Relief Society.  Men write Relief Society teaching manuals.  Men give assignments to the Relief Society.  It’s a women’s group in the same sense the Playboy Bunnies are a women’s group, only with less lap dancing.    

9- I am thankful for normal underwear, particularly, sexy women’s underwear.  My wife went from a 8 to a 10 just by putting on some “fruit of the loom” stuff from Kmart.  Victoria’s Secret zoomed her up to 12½ and it was no secret that, yes, I was happy to see her.  No wonder many return missionaries are postponing marriage in large numbers.  They know what garments look like.  Put a pair of garments on Kate Upton and she’ll look like an Amish grandmother.

Kate Upton Wearing Garments

10- I am thankful that I no longer have to fight with my kids to go to Church every week.  I don’t understand why they’re not excited to:

• Go to bed early on Saturday night;

• Wake up early Sunday morning; 

•  Dress in uncomfortable clothes; 

• Go to church (on an empty stomach once a month);

• Get lectured on the evils of gay marriage; 

•  Get told stories about God killing nearly everybody (even the children) in a big flood; 

• Get questioned in depth by middle-aged men about their masturbation habits;

• Get forced to sit quietly and reverently during an incredibly long Sacrament meeting that usually isn’t oriented towards kids in the slightest, and

• Come home and spend the rest of the day reading scriptures or writing in their journals. 

11- I’m thankful that when I go to sleep at night, I lay my head on the pillow with a clear conscience.

What are you thankful for?

The Church Essay on Polygamy and Weasel Words

I absolutely love the new essay from the Church, Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo, which provides more information about Joseph Smith's polygamy.  I am so smitten with it, that I laminated it, folded it, and now keep a copy of it in my wallet at all times so I can refer to it whenever I get into trouble and need to use some of what I call "weasel words" to explain myself. I suggest that everybody reading this do the same. You can access the new essay at.

Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo

I don't know if the phrase "weasel words" is a real term, but I use it to describe the lame explanations that people who have been caught with their hand in the cookie jar use to try to weasel themselves out of the mess they find themselves in. An example is former President Clinton who tried to explain that he didn't lie under oath when he denied having sex with Monica Lewinsky, because oral sex isn't real sex.

Well…I screwed up (a little bit), and I got busted. Technically, it wasn't really a "screw up" as much as it was "a series of unfortunate circumstances". But it's not my fault, and it's not like I did anything that Joseph Smith didn't do two or three (or forty) times.   

Unfortunately, I don't have a loving and tolerant wife like Emma was. My wife is more like a really pissed off Sandra Tanner when it comes to matters such as these, so much so, that she filed for divorce. The judge ordered a reconciliation meeting to see if there was any way to save the marriage.  Since I don't have any clue who will fix me breakfast and take care of me when I'm sick if she leaves, I decided to fight for my marriage.

I had just read the essay (you know, the one I keep in my wallet) and it gave me some ideas. I hired the best PR guy in the State of Utah (Arthur Dewey from the firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe) to attend the reconciliation meeting with me and see if he could get my wife to be reasonable about things. Prior to the meeting, I met with Mr. Dewey to plan an effective strategy based on using the  weasel words found in Plural Marriage in Kirtland and Nauvoo.

Here is the transcript from that meeting:

Wife: Who’s this guy?

Me: This is my advisor, Arthur Dewey.

Wife: Why do you need an adviser?

Me: The judge didn’t say I couldn’t have an adviser. I’ll have one if I want to.

Wife: Ok…whatever.

Mr. Dewey: Mrs. Burns, your husband loves you very much. He wants nothing more than a return to the loving relationship you previously enjoyed.

Wife: My husband stumbled home drunk and there were lipstick stains on his shirt.

Mr. Dewey: There are several possible explanations for this…

Wife: The lipstick wasn’t my shade of lipstick…and I found condoms in his wallet. We don’t use condoms!

Mr. Dewey: Were the condoms unopened?

Wife: What?

Mr. Dewey: Did you find empty condom wrappers or did you find unopened condom packages?

Wife: They were unopened.

Mr. Dewey: The nature of the unopened condom packets suggests that the relationship between your husband and the condoms did not involve sexual relations.

Wife: I found panties under his car seat.

Mr. Dewey: Little is known about those panties…

Wife: They’re not my panties! But it’s irrelevant because he confessed that he had been unfaithful to me.

Mr. Dewey: Later reminiscences are not always reliable.

Wife: I looked up our credit card records. I found that he withdrew three-hundred dollars and paid for a hotel room last Wednesday, when he told me he had to work late.

Mr. Dewey: Few records of the time provide details. Many details about why he was at that hotel room are unknown.

Wife: I called that hotel and spoke to the desk clerk on duty that night. He told me my husband checked in with a woman that is a known prostitute.

Mr. Dewey: He pledged to keep your husband's involvement with those women confidential, nevertheless, rumors spread.

Wife: Women? You mean there was more than one prostitute? The clerk only mentioned one.

Mr. Dewey: The exact number of women is unknown because the evidence is fragmentary; furthermore, you don’t know that these women were prostitutes.

Wife: I do know. The desk clerk gave me the name of the prostitute he saw. I looked up her arrest record and she has several convictions for prostitution. I'm so devastated that he cheated on me.

Mr. Dewey: Hold on, Mrs. Burns, you can't assume that your husband had sexual relationships with those women just because he lied to you, withdrew a large sum of cash, and checked into a hotel room with prostitutes.  If you're going to make a claim like that, I really think the burden of proof falls upon you to produce evidence that your husband had sexual relationships with those prostitutes. 

Wife: I know he was screwing those hookers!

Mr. Dewey: Neither these women nor your husband explained much about these relationships. The precise nature of these relationships is not known.

Wife: I know he slept with them.

Mr. Dewey: There might have been the possibility of sexual relations.

Wife: It's not just the prostitutes. He forgot to log out of his email and I searched it. He had two messages from his secretary. The first message said that she was worried that he knocked her up. The second message was her expressing relief that it was a false alarm.

Mr. Dewey: Information about any affair your husband may have had with his secretary are virtually absent from the documentary record. Many aspects of their story remain known only to the two of them.

Wife: What about all those other women?

Mr. Dewey: Other women left no records, making it unknown what their relationships were.

Wife: This is BS. Complete nonsense. I don’t care what you say. It’s just wrong and inappropriate.

Mr. Dewey: Inappropriate by today’s standards, but legal.

Wife: Uh, it's not legal.

Mr. Dewey: It's legal to have sex with a woman.

Wife: Yes, but it's not legal to pay for it, but I don't care if it's legal or not. I don’t think we have anything left to discuss.

Me: But, honey, I love you. I didn’t want to do it…

Wife: Get out.

Me: But listen, there was this angel and…

Wife: Get out now.

Me: He had a really big sword. It was on fire…

Wife: I'm not kidding, you really need to leave.

Me: You know, you really need to learn how to doubt your doubts.  I'm finding your lack of faith very troubling.

Wife: GET OUT!!!

(Feel free to share your thoughts on the latest essay)